Ahlan Wa Sahlan

Ahlan Wa Sahlan

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Too Many Phone Calls and a Lack Thereof

I think its interesting that within a week of posting about my many father-figures I have had two very significant things occur.

The first was at a party for my two cousins (sisters) who are having a double-wedding this summer. I happen to be the MOH of one so I, of course, was there. As was my grandmother: the long-suffering parental unit of, and bail-source for, my father. She asked me if I have spoken lately with my old man and I admitted that I hadn't spoken to him in about a month, to which she stated that she wasn't going to call him again until he called and apologized.


It appears my dad has stopped paying his bills and the creditors are hounding my poor defenseless, and decrepit, old grandparents as my father doesn't like to update his address and their's is his last-known residence.

This is generally a big fat signal that my dad is using again. Joy. Apparently when my grandmother called to scold him into paying his bills he hung up her.

I'm assuming that if I try to call his cell phone it will be turned off, and because I haven't spoken to him in so long I have no idea if he has lost his job.

I don't want to call him because I feel that if he needed to speak with me, or wanted to for that matter, he knows my number.

Then again if he sold his phone for crack money, he wouldn't have it written down.

And... I wouldn't be able to get a hold of him either.

My only anxiety out of this situation is the possibility that he has overdosed, or been evicted, or committed suicide. Being mildly reclusive means that not many people would knock on his door to see if he's ok, and if his dealer looked for him and found him dead there's a slim chance that it would be reported to the police.

These are the things that float around in my mind, occasionally bumping into the rebellious I-won't-call-until-he-does thoughts.

I think I must drive over there after work.

And secondly I got a call from my Padrino (godfather) last night. The one I haven't spoken to in roughly a year. The family that doesn't ever call me to ask how I am, or to let me know they're going to Mexico... or coming back from Mexico... or anything.

And what did he call me for?

Money. Apparently the family business took a nosedive and they're hurting financially.

I just feel so dumped on. Please, ask me how I am from time to time, or make sure that MY life is going ok. Don't call me only for money and think that feeble attempts to find out about my life are going to change the fact that I left numerous un-returned phone calls a year ago and never heard anything since.

And what hurt my heart the most was the shame I heard in the voice of what I know is a very proud man.

But out of all of this at least I have a walee (Islamic guardian) who demands that I come over to his house at least once a week so that they can feed me because I apparently am too skinny.

And I have a husband who loves me more than the world.

Alhumdulillah for everything.


Safiyyah said...

As Salaamu Alaikum Sister:

Oh, my poor dear. This is the craziness of a family affected by addiction. Stay strong and stay balanced.

I remember telling my substance abuse counselor one time, "My whole family is so sick." She replied, "Yes, but you're getting better!" I was like "wow!" Yes, I'm getting better.

I still could love my family, but didn't have to join in on all the insanity and personal unmanageability.

You, like me, have the opportunity to stop the cycle of addiction. One doesn't have to use the substance to suffer the effects of addiction.

And we have Islam, too, Alhamdulillah!

Mona said...

Molly, I'm sorry, the whole thing sucks. I have calling my dad issues for other reasons so I feel you on that.

umarah said...

i feel foe you pal.this distance thing among family members can be quite painful.i am really sorry about your dad.

Molly said...

Saffiyah- thank you dearest. And alhumdulillah look how successful you are! MashAllah! I really hope, inshAllah, I can become a published author as well and do something positive with what I was given. I really think thats why Allah gave me all the trials and tribulations, and alhumdulillah for them.

Molly said...

Mona- thank you habibty, its so hard to bring myself to call him. There's soooooo much baggage there. Its like moving all the boxes to one side in order to get to the closet. I just can't seem to get up the emotional energy.

And its not that I'm angry with him, its not that I feel like he robbed me, I just feel like I've removed myself from all of this... if I do call him and he's using again? His phone is disconnected? What do I do then?

Nothing. I told him when he showed up again that if he ever disappeared again I would never try to find him or contact him.

Maybe I'm afraid to face the truth and make that final break.

And within all of this, what is my religious obligation to him? Don't I have to take care of my parents?

And if I do, can I bring myself to overcome the baggage I DO have to actually start to immerse myself in his problems again?

I just don't know.

I don't know what to do.

And I don't know if I can.

Molly said...

Umarah- Thank you for your support, your comments really help. Thank you very, very much.

Safiyyah said...

Salaams Sisters:

Check out Al-Jumuah Magazine this month. They have practically an entire issue devoted to fatherhood, Alhamdulillah.

Molly, you CAN become a published author! Keep writing! You are good, Masha Allah.

UmmAbdurRahman said...

salaaaaaaaaaaam! i sent you an email.

DawnUK said...

Salaam Aleikum.

Oh the joys of having a non-muslim family! I know the pain that incurs.

May ALLAH grant you strength to do what is right for everyone - including YOU.

Mona said...

Oh Molly, it's so hard because your in the middle of not knowing if you should make every effort or just give up. I've got a tag for you if you feel like it.

Molly said...

DawnUK- Thank you for your words of support, it is very hard to have non-muslim family, but alhumdulillah for everything. I hope that Allah is with you in your trials as well, it sounds like you've dealt with similar things.

Molly said...

Monita- I'll check the tag!

Brujita said...

MOlly me encanta cómo escribes, You are a great writer!!! I am sorry you have a hard time with your dad, but you seem to have such a wonderful wali. I wish I had one when i was muslim, perhaps things would have been different then.

Lots of love from Spain , elena (Aya in SSFOrums)

Forsoothsayer said...

dawnuk - this may surprise you and all other running-away-from-their-problems-to-islam people, but muslims have substance abuse issues too. i'm sure you're all aware that the muslim community also has some problems MORE than other communities (domestic violence, anyone?)even the devout ones. temptaton and sin is hard for EVERYONE to resist. i have seldom seen anything so offensive written, dawnuk. so holier than thou.

UmmAbdurRahman said...

forsoothsayer: do you have any statistics to back up what you say?

DawnUK said...

Salaam Aleikum.
Molly,I'm truly sorry to do this on your blog,please forgive me.

forsoothsayer: "i have seldom seen anything so offensive written, dawnuk. so holier than thou."

Really? I'm sorry - was I talking to you? No? Didn't think so. If you have anything to say to or about me come on over to MY blog and do it there,don't use other people's.Oh here's another idea don't hide behind a private blog where people you "attack" can't fight back.

InshALLAh Molly took my comment in the way it was meant,it wasn't meant for anyone else because if you had the same background you would a)know what I meant and b)not get so offensive/defensive.

At no point did I say that ALL Muslims are leading the best lives.
Bearing in mind that having a non-Muslim family is hard in a lot of ways not just "their" problems.

So really what I'm saying is "put your money where your mouth is" and back up your point.

Molly I truly am sorry.

Molly said...

I debated with myself if I should intercept.

But its my blog, so I guess I should.

In defence of Dawn, I did know what she meant and she didn't mean that having muslim family would mean there's not substance abuse. It may have been possible to read it this way, however in the context that was not the point of saying it.

I know plenty of "Muslims" who have more issues such as drug abuse, drinking, etc.

I have not, however, ever met Muslim men who beat their wives. Or wives who are beaten.

Forsooth- that would again be an example of Islam-as-culture vs ISlam-as-religion. Most of the people on here talking about Muslims are talking about ones who adhere to the religion.

And don't abuse substances, or women.

There are plenty of cultural muslims who do bad things left and right and try to use their ignorant concept of the religion as an excuse.

Those aren't the muslims most western muslims talk about.

And therein lies the context Dawn was talking within.

Its understandable to take what you took out of what she said, but it wasn't what she meant and that should be taken into account as well.

As for foorsooth's blog being private, that recently happened due to a violence-threatening thug hanging around. It has nothing to do with leaving comments on blogs and hiding. And it certainly wasn't her first choice.

As for her comment, I agree it should have had something to back up her claim. Not all Muslims are violent, not even a large percentage.

I have found more domestic violence in non-muslim houses here than in muslim houses. But there's a larger ratio of non-muslims to muslims here. Just as there is a larger ratio of muslims to non-muslims in cairo, where she is.

Its a matter of context and viewpoint.

Anonymous said...


I am new to your blog.This post really touched me seemed like it was my life on someone else's blog..........

........some things I want to forget

gulnari said...

Salams querida Molly

May Allah give you strength. Muchos abrazos y dua. :*

Molly said...

Welcome angry muslimah! are you really angry or is it delicious irony?

And gulnari gracias tesoro, no he encontrado las fuerzas ya...

Anonymous said...

My sister that is the problem........I can't decifer bewtween the two......lol

Molly said...

lol, although your last post REALLY made me angry too!

grrrrrrrrrrrrrr just thinking about it makes me all fired up.

Saha said...

Assalamu alaikoum,
oh this made me sad, may Allah make it easier for you.

Molly said...

Alhumdulillah. Thank you Saha. and welcome! :)

Manders said...

Molly, I didn't know about the struggles you were having with your father. I know how it feels...my dad is a recovering alcoholic and whenever we can't get a hold of him we just worry that he's out doing something bad or dangerous. I'm not sure why my mom puts up with it...love is powerful I guess.

Then, there's the psychological junk that you get to carry around since childhood cause you lived in an "addictive" household. I think that might be the worst part in my opinion.

I'll keep your family in my duas.

PS: how jacked up that people only call you for money!

Molly said...

thanks babe, I didn't really know about your dad. its funny how the substances can be different, but the psychological ramifications can be so similar.